Ear Pork Chopping


Up Your Decor - Overdone is never done.

Hey there, decorators! It's mid-to-late summer, and maybe you feel as though you've done all the decorating you can do in one season? Well, your old pal Vorbia's here to tell you that you're not decorating hard enough! Can you have too much happiness? Shut up, NO! Can you have too much sunshine and color? Go to hell!

Keep decorating! And when the decorations are all in place, decorate them! Let's get decorating, for fuck's sake!

Green means life! Like grass, and all God's creatures that swarm over a dead possum or piece of discarded meat! Green, green, green! This Greek-themed green room reminds us that "Greek" rhymes with "green", doesn't it? Leave me alone! I think it does! Nothing says "I'm in Greece" like some scrap wood easily nailed into the shape of an arched window! What do you see through that window? I see the demons that will take me if I ever stop decorating! This magic simulated window makes an elegant backdrop for a concrete statue of Glemdria Hugging Some Leaves. Who's she? Why, she's the Greek goddess of sticking your butt out  a little bit, silly!

Crucified Fish with Swallowed Trombone is by Stephan Spim, and makes a delightful accent piece for the side table.

Do you have a room that you think is too small to decorate? Shut up or I'll kill you! This very presidential microsuite is here to prove you're a bastard! Credenza with fold-down tamber that can never be folded back up because of a lamps and five other things? Check! Chair and  foot stool a few inches away? Check! Accent table filled with tea cup, incense burner, ice bucket, lamp, and curiously oversized "exotic pleasure device"? Check! Day bed only a few inches away? Oh, you bet that's a checkaroonie! All this wonderful stuff is embraced by a vibrant French colonial striped wallpaper with ornamental swirlicues. So cozy! If you never stop putting pretty things in your Special Little Room, that will keep The Voices quiet! We like quiet!

At the end of a long day of decorating, isn't it nice to just sit and relax in a simple, peaceful room of your stronghold to just unwind? In this Romanesque sitting room by Ernst Stavro Blofeld, you can enjoy a nice sit-down while enjoying the simple, everyday things that make your life worthwhile, like your marble statues of Poseidon, your tapestries, and your Lurking Cheetah printed tablecloth. You can take all this in while you ignore the veiled sexual overtures of your husband, looking sharp in his after-dinner-but-before-dessert jacket. It's the simple things that matter, stupid! Right?


Couple clip arts - The deadly art of persuasion.

These three little ads come from the dirt-cheap-to-buy-space-and-claims-are-never-verified section way at the back of the September 1957 issue of Popular Science. Can recycling their clip art make you richer, smarter, and more persuasive? Of course! But not really!! Let's get started!!!

You don't have to go back to icky boring school for losers to get English more good! Get yourself some learn, stupid! But at home! Do today! DOOOO! 

With this 1000x1000 px profile picture at the top left corner of your Popular Online Or Professional Communications Application, you'll have all the credibility of a person whose just whipped off their glasses to make a key point! What else are you gonna do? Go get some glasses and just remove them whenever you want? HAH! I'd like to see you try! Stop being a sucker and use this guy as your profile picture! ... IF you can handle all that credibility.

This version is a PNG clip art. As you know, "PNG" is an acronym for Probably No Goddam opacity on the background. That means that, apart from the black pixels, the image is transparent. Trust me, I just took off my glasses.

Do you know the secret to passing the civil service test? Ben Franklin knows. It's having big, chunky hands grafted onto your arms from a different drawing. The Franklin Institute is not government sponsored. There is a test for that, but they couldn't figure out how to pass it.
And now Ben can point at two things for you, with some other drawing's hands. What happened to Ben's real hands? He broke them off in the ass of the last jerk who asked him where his hands were, that's what!!! Get with it, turkey! Right-click Ben Franklin and his borrowed maulers onto your hard drive for when you need to do some persuading with a transparent background in your image. He's a PNG, he's only made of black pixels, and he's gonna beat some truth into you with someone else's hands. He's Ben Franklin and he's comin' to your town!

Yeah! Now we're talking! Casting! Just look at that babe, all eager to get cast in some kind of movie and she'll do just about anything to get the part. if only there were some way she could convince you she's the right one for the - Wait. What? Casting plastic? Like molds and stuff? Sonofabitch.

Okay, fine. I guess we're to believe you can cast yourself a new plastic girlfriend. Just be sure to trim off the flash around her edges where the mold came together. Nothing ruins an intimate moment like scraping yourself on a poorly dressed mold seam.
Ooooh, yeah, baby. You know I like it when your white pixels are transparent. I wanna see right through to your alpha channel. Come over here and make yourself comfortable on my hard drive. Just let me right click you a little bit. Don't pay attention to those car pictures or other clip arts you might see in there. They mean nothing to me. Yeah, Uh huh. Right. Got it. Right. Yeah. Sigh...Oh for the love of god, shut up. This relationship is suffocating me already.


Cherry Extrusion bathroom deodorizer



Apple Dump-ling bathroom deodorizer.


The Wire?

Joke #1 - "Yeah, you're gonna wear a wire. And, it's a big wire. Trust me, it's the only way the perps will respect you."

Joke #2 - "I know, the unit looks a little bulky, but if one of the suspects starts to get wise to you, just make that Darth Vader noise."

Joke #3 - "Just talk into the mic', and you'll be talking directly to your heart... just like you talk to mine *sniff*. Be safe out there, Tad."

Joke #4 - "Now remember, this thing is just for work. None of that Hey-good-lookin-we'll-be-back-to-pick-you-up-later shit.You got that?"

Joke #5 - "If anyone asks, just say it's a bra for your single, rectangular boob in the center of your chest. They shouldn't ask any more questions."

Joke #6 - "Nah, you'll be fine. If one of the gang asks if that's a recording device, just say 'if it was, we would have hidden it better'. That nearly worked for Agent Randall. By the way, the wake is tomorrow at two."

Joke #7 - "Don't worry. The whole unit will be hidden by your new enormous, novelty Police tie. Those should be in some time later this week."

Joke #8 - "Too bad. We all gotta wear body cameras now. Incidentally, the 'off' button is the entire outer case. Touch it anywhere and it'll power down. Good to know, right?"

Anonymous sent us joke #9, and will now be processed as part of our Joke Protection Program... although his/her real name is Anonymous. Ssshh! On Ted's first day on the job as a Flight Data Recorder, no one told him he was supposed to wear a red shirt.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


Mamiya/Sekor - Shut yo mouth!

Awww, yeah. Mamiya/Sekor is one bad mutha- SHUT YO MOUTH! I'm just talking bout Mamiya/Sekor.

This 1970 ad for Mamiya/Sekor ran in a 1970 issue of Esquire magazine. Can you tell?

The camera had a button that let you switch from one metering mode to another. yeah, great. But check out Superfly/Shaft, there! No one understands him but his cameraaaaa. Damn right.

Know where this guy would look pretty cool? On a kind of pop art t-shirt! Guess what? He's now available on a kind of pop art t-shirt over in our Spreadshirt shop! Dig it! A bunch of color and shirt options. I think imuna have to order one for myself. The grey with red is pretty nice. No, I do not get any discount when I place an order.

The way Spreadshirt organizes the designs seems kind of random, but scroll and "load more" to see them all. Or just use these links.

White https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084795?q=I1012084795
Tan https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084747?q=I1012084747
Black https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084966?q=I1012084966
Gray https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012085037?q=I1012085037
Green https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084917?q=I1012084917
Orange https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084916?q=I1012084916
Blue https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084827?q=I1012084827
Dark Red https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012085019?q=I1012085019
Bright Red https://shop.spreadshirt.com/PhilAreGo/1012084928?q=I1012084928


Driver's Ed Score


Miss Mopar - So tell me, is there a "Mister Mopar?"

"Mopar or no car" is something you may see on a bumper sticker, proudly worn on a Chrysler pickup truck from the Carter administration, covering one of the larger rust holes on the bumper. Let's see if Miss Mopar can get you to wear her proudly in a nice, safe corner of your hard drive?

Here's a fun fact from Wikpedia.

"The name derives from a combination of letters from the words 'MOtor' and 'PARts'."
Really, guys? That's how you came up with the name? Well, I'd call that "frame", which is an adjective that derives from a combination of letters from the words "FRikkin" and "laME".

Here's a funny thing I just noticed about the illustration in the ad. Look at the feet of Miss Mopar, and then look at the bottom of the stack of batteries that she's leaning on, all sultry-like. According to the rules of perspective, her feet are about six inches closer to us than the batteries are, yet her hands are squarely centered on the top battery. That sounds either really uncomfortable, or physically impossible.

That means it's up to us to put Miss Mopar in a more spatially plausible situation! Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, ASSEMBLE!

Pen tool!... DEPLOY! Pkshow!
Create selection!.....Zam!
Paste on new layer!.... Thooom!

Here she is, all PNG'd on a trabsparent background, ready to lean on whatever you think would look best. Why not give her the right-click she deserves and save her for a rainy day? Be sure to click through to her full-size 1600 px version first, though.

But what could you use to replace that questionable stack of batteries? Oh, so many things. here are a few serving suggestions to get the ball rolling.

A very large Twinkie.
A slightly enlarged Tom Cruise, who's not sure he gets the joke.

See? It's easy! You're welcome!